Show Yourself

I had my most serious experience with (non-clinical) depression late last year. 

It lasted a couple months and I didn’t fully recognize it at the time. I kind of have the brain chemistry of a Christmas elf, so I didn’t act especially sad. But I slept about twelve hours a day and lost interest in the job that I love. Initially, I put it down to the aftermath of a really intense project sprint. But after recovering, I realized depression was a better label for what had been going on.

The cause was my inability to acknowledge an important truth. In a development that will surprise literally no one, I finally got the insight I needed while watching a Disney movie.

The movie was Frozen II, and the revelation came during the song “Show Yourself”. Idina Menzel vocals, lots of ice, a horse made out of water. And me, sitting in the audience, feeling a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.

That night Sadi and I were finally able to admit out loud to each other that she was gay. It had taken a lot of time, prayer, and therapy, but we finally understood what was going on.

Watching Sadi come out - to herself as much as to me - was a really powerful experience. She’s strong, so I had no idea how much of a burden she was carrying until she let it go (hey, look, another Frozen reference!). The change was dramatic: I swear that at times she literally glowed. It felt like watching a superhero origin story, and it became undeniably obvious to me that her identity is a gift from God.

It is kind of a complicated gift, given our situation: last year we celebrated our tenth anniversary, with the firm expectation of a lifetime to come. We have three great kids who trust us to be there for them. We have developed a good set of communication skills, and we are in close natural alignment on big questions like religion, money, and parenting. Writing down a pros and cons list for staying together is completely agonizing.

But ultimately it doesn’t come down to pros and cons. It comes down to what we can live with. Sadi is willing to face the rest of her life without the possibility of ever being with the kind of person that she finds attractive. I am not willing to accept that sacrifice from her. In my heart it doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. Sometimes I’ve wished that I felt differently. But all I can be is me.

We filed for divorce in February, so things will be finalized in August. I'm planning to move out mid-May.

We haven't told the kids yet; we are waiting until it's closer to when I move out. We want them to have some advance warning, but not to be stuck dreading the changes for too long. Being in a limbo state is hard enough to tolerate as an adult.

We are still good friends. Although the settlement gives us each designated custodial times, we expect to overlap frequently so we can both be around the kids as much as possible. They will live in our current apartment full time. I will sleep downstairs every weekend for my official custody time. 

There are no sides to this divorce, just two people trying to make the best of an unexpected plot twist. Even though neither of us have new partners yet, I remain an incurable romantic. It’s my hope that this is the prelude to something even more wonderful than what we had. But even if it isn’t, I’m at peace with doing what I believe is right.

If you want to talk more with me, send me a direct message or an email. If you want to talk more with Sadi, give her a call. If you want to say something nice, you can leave a comment. And if you can’t say anything nice - well then by all means say it, but do it in a direct message and we'll talk like adults!

Lots of love to all of you. Remember to show yourself ;)

PS: I know, I know. I’m supposed to be the gay one. I’m in touch with my feelings and I like Disney musicals. The fact that I’m straight is always a little confusing, even for me. But there it is.